One of the (relatively) minor things that I’m losing to COVID is my annual silent meditation retreat (I’d usually leave tomorrow). It’s a serious privilege to do it, đź’µ/đź•“wise and that my wife (hates it but) lets me go.

Here’s a taste of what I learned at the first three.

The first question most people ask about a silent retreat is “Wait, you can’t talk AT ALL?” That’s what attracted me to it. It sounded extreme, like maybe I could master something.

While Noble Silence (as it’s called) is really important, it stopped feeling extreme after a day.

Another attractive feature of Noble Silence is no phones/devices, which I was particularly interested in.

Inexplicably, this wasn’t enforced heavily where I was. There were people with phones. To me, that’s bananas. Devices are infinitely “noisier” than any voice could ever be.

My first ever silent retreat was 5 days at Wonderwell in New Hampshire with Lama Willa Miller and Anam Thubten.

While I had practiced (some seasons more than others) for 15 years prior to the retreat, it’s a wholly different experience practicing 6-10 hours a day for ~a week.

At my first silent retreat, I confirmed what I had only surmised or theorized in years of practice: That I am not, in fact, my thoughts. The final confirmation was in a moment of deep discomfort and true anger… that I found fascinating, funny, and knew I could watch forever.

It’s a clichĂ© that meditation experiences can’t be adequately explained in words, only pointed toward, but I finally understood the truth of this after that retreat with Anam Thubten and Willa Miller. They helped weaken, for the first time, my attachment to intellectual mind.

At my second silent retreat, this one 7 days with Lopon (now Lama) Liz Monson, Camille Hykes, and Bob Morrison, I learned that there are no bounds to Awareness, nothing to develop, no effort to “get there.” Complete Awareness is our natural state. Practice is just noticing.

At my third silent retreat, this one with Lama John Makransky, Lama Liz Monson, and Bob Morrison, something broke in me. While I am an atheist (seeing no evidence of any deities), I had an experience equivalent to a sudden belief in God. No practical distinction. I’ll explain…

What became clear to me is that the source of every feeling, sensation, thought, care, fear, love, worry, and action was 1. not me and, 2. (the kicker) something like pure compassionate energy. With zero effort. The natural state. Nothing to cultivate. Now I see it everywhere.

I don’t know what I would have learned at this year’s retreat, but I’m trying to do something like it with a few workday-long solo retreats at our church (my wife likes church, I’m warming to it).

I’ll likely write more about meditation in the future and the techniques that have worked for me. I have a lot of opinions about accessible methods to get into practice. But I really can’t recommend a silent retreat enough, to anyone. I mean, why wouldn’t you do it if you could?