Keep Moving

Me, a pedestrian, approaching a street corner.

You, a single car, approaching the same intersection at 90 degrees.

ME

(internal dialogue, narrated)

Go go just go GO GOOOO!

YOU, A SINGLE CAR

(driver politely waves me across)

Go ahead little walking person!

This has to stop.

A car can keep moving and get out of the way without a pedestrian breaking her stride. It’s so much more comfortable to slow down a half-step than it is to awkwardly speed up while a menacing, throbbing car spitting noxious steam and putrescence waits.

Lest you think my position is somehow on the side of the cars, let me be perfectly clear: We pedestrians and bicyclists allow big scary aluminum whales to share our streets. Unless it’s putting out a fire or transporting someone with disabilities, it’s lucky to be here.

Keep moving and stay out of the way.

Obviously this doesn’t apply when the number of cars is greater than one. If a car has another car behind it, it must stop and wait for all pedestrians, until the heat death of the universe if necessary.

Every motor vehicle’s job is to keep moving and stay out of the way. A car is a wickedly dangerous filthy nuisance and we shouldn’t have to suffer its heaving, sputtering sighs or trust the brake-foot of its driver who is typing an email with his meat-thumbs.

Sadly, my car is guilty too. Because a not-insignificant percentage of society thinks it’s good and proper when a single car deigns to permit a pedestrian to cross as it waits, we live in a bizarro world where many pedestrians think it’s rude for a car to stay out of their way.

While we’re on the subject, can we get rid of cars in cities yet? Once you notice them, it’s like HOLY SHIT THERE ARE GIANT UNATTRACTIVE METAL WHALE CARCASSES SITTING IN LITERALLY EVERY PLACE THERE AREN’T SIGNS EXPLICITLY BANNING THEM WHO APPROVED THIS DESIGN?